The Dance of Romance: Love and Respect in Marriage

 
Origami Talking Mouth

Part 5: "Your Effectual Presence, Not Words Spoken."

Did you know that because female’s vocal chords are shorter than their counterpart’s, they could actually talk easier with less energy? Sisters it is NOT our fault we like to dialogue. God created us this way! Yet knowing He created our husbands with longer vocal chords, thus we need to exercise discernment and understand men have less need to talk (always exceptions to this rule).

In the blueprint for building our marriage, I learned that a male desire for companionship is something quite different from my previous female notions. I still struggle balancing my hubby’s need for companionship with my household duties and need for communication.

Yet none of my household duties matter if my husband feels discontent with me. Example: My husband often desires for me to sit next to him quietly, while he watches TV. I know the dishes are sitting in the sink. I want a clean sink, so I can be like Fly Lady…the queen of clean. My husband wants my physical presence beside him. Guess which one builds a happier marriage? The dishes can wait. I want a great marriage!

Do not get me wrong, there are times my hubby will pitch in and help rinse dinner dishes with me. However, more times than not, he wants to relax after dinner and he wants me beside him. He feels my priorities are out of order when I do the dishes instead of sit nearby. How do I know this? We have discussed his needs.

What if you don’t like the movie he is watching? It depends. If it is bearable, then you need to find something else to do next to him. Most of the time your hubby will not care if you are reading, writing, knitting, etc next to him, just so long as you are present.

However, if the movie has content that is just too offensive, then you need to tell him sweetly, without judgment, “I’m sorry baby. I really want to be next to you, but this language is just too repulsive for me. I am going to go into the other room. Will you come and get me when it’s over?” Give him a smile and a kiss. Then leave graciously. Do not punish him. Do not try to take on the role of his personal holy spirit. Be his loving wife. Be his best friend. Be the one he wants to seek out and spend his time.

What is this companionship? It is not like hanging out with the girls. I absolutely cherish hanging out with my sisters. We chat incessantly. We discuss everything from the weather, to our children, from what is on the dinner menu, to which store has the best sale on produce, etc. We are content to sit and face each other and chat for hours. We derive so much pleasure from communication with our friends.

Oftentimes, my husband does not want to chat. He wants to watch a movie or sports with me by his side. He wants to listen to music, play a game, or throw a baseball, with me next to him. You know the saying “silence is golden.” There is truth in this saying when it comes to our husbands. Silent companionship is valuable to your husband, so wisely invest yourself in this activity and you will reap the profit.

Men derive some deep satisfaction just by camaraderie, which is the French word for a spirit of friendly good-fellowship. Did you catch that sisters??? SPIRIT, not talk! It is your effectual presence, not the words spoken. Your husband wants you to be next to him, without words. He wants silent communication. Just the power of your presence rejuvenates him. This is an amazing tool! Your company is essential to your husband’s happiness. He requires you. Remember in the garden…that no one else could satisfy Adam’s needs so God created Eve for companionship. You are that same incredible gift to your husband from God’s hands.

Have you committed to memory “but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God?” Our husbands crave for us be their best friend, quietly, with a great attitude. My husband wants me to be alongside him, be part of his world, without having to chat constantly. He derives this pleasure just knowing I am beside him. Especially, if he is convinced I desire to be next to him. It is my effectual presence.

You may be thinking, “yeah, but what about my need for verbal communication?” I have no promises to make about your husband. I can only share in my experience that when I meet my husband’s need for companionship it seems later he desires to “talk.” It may not be the same day, but in the next 24 hours, he usually finds time to meet my need for communication too. My hubby, Steve, has truly become my best friend and my favorite companion. I pray he feels the same about me and your husbands feel this way about you too!

“His mouth is full of sweetness. He is wholly desirable. He is my beloved and he is my friend, O sisters in Christ!” Paraphrase of Song of Solomon 5:16

Please join us soon for Part 6!

(The Dance of Romance: Love and Respect in Marriage is a multi-part series sharing the challenging lessons I am learning about marriage, respect, love, and romance. My heart's prayer is the Lord may be glorified in my marriage and yours too!)